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With the Help of Self-Restraint

Accidental findings by yourself

The Fantasizing Realist

ddr bunbun



Skipped Back 10

November 4th, 2004

(no subject)

ddr bunbun
I think I might've actually hurt my elbow last night. 'Cause, dude, ow. I guess the gym really can be a dangerous place.

But, yes, last night rocked. I got to hang out with a friend who I hadn't hung out with in ages. Fun times.

Oh, yeah, paper...

November 2nd, 2004

(no subject)

ddr bunbun
Bush is winning. Meh. I'm not surprised.

Today was an interesting day. Now I must bury myself in studying.

October 29th, 2004

(no subject)

ddr bunbun
Just a couple of little snippits:

*Just ran a mile in under nine minutes. A major feat for me. Maybe a 8 minute mile isn't as far-fetched as I thought. I'm pretty pumped.

*Didn't have any classes with Ayo today-- cancelled. Rock on.

*Ran into Paul Wednesday. Who knows, we might actually start emailing. That'd be cool.

*Going out of town to Fort Knox this weekend for Beverly's birthday. Party! (Leslie has days off from work-- this is unheard of! Hee hee)

*Gonna leave the library now to try and get advised. And I totally think I spelled that wrong. Surely it's not with a "z"...

October 25th, 2004

Papers and Goiters

ddr bunbun
My favorite phrase that I've heard today thus far:

"Nobody wants a goiter!" Said in a happy voice, so full of spirit and life.

In other news, I hate papers. I hate papers. I hate papers. School is icky, and I hate papers. Two hours of sleep is not enough, especially when one hates papers this much. ...Which is a lot. Just one more month...

October 8th, 2004

What up, world? There I was, briefly surfing the web, and I found out I still had a journal. Huh.

Not much to say. Or mayhaps there is, but I just don't feel the urge to type-thus-think about it all. A brief synopsis of my recent life would go as follows:

* I'm all about school. I study, I go to class, I freak out about papers and projects. I'm doing what I should have been doing all along, essentially. Had I worked like this during my grade school years, I probably could've graduated with a GPA that rubbed elbows with a 4.0. This is a shame to think about, though, so I choose not to dwell on it.

* My last day at the bookstore-- where I've worked for 2 years now-- is this coming Tuesday. I'm taking over the role of Store Manager over at the Knoxville Center location Dakota Watch Company, so for the first time I'll be running the show at my own little store. The hours will obviously go up, but that should only be an issue for the next month and a half. Then life will settle down at the end of the semester, and I'll be good to go. The up in pay and responsibility is most definitely worth it. I'm climbing up that ladder, so to speak.

* (commence mentioning of the Invisible Boyfriend--->) For any who wonder, Aaron and I still work on our relationship, though the distance is most definitely a killer, and only seems to get worse over time. Basically, distance sucks, and loneliness gnaws away at a person. However, we're both stubborn. I suppose that amounts to something, eh? All in all, he's been great to me, and I can't just forget that. So, yeah. Heh. There.

*Ultimately I have no social life outside of school and work. I've had some wonderful people email me, snail mail me, and call me to leave messages on my cell phone, though-- and to all those, I say thank you and send hugs. I respond (as much as I can-- don't kill me, Zach!) when contacted, but I can't escape from feeling guilty for not initiating conversation more. I am sooooooooo sorry, my loved ones! For that, I can't wait till this semester is finally over! I miss so many of you. ~nods vehemently~ It's true!

Hmm, what else? Mi español es bien. Yo puedo hablar mas facilmente con mis profesores y compañeros de clase, y no es tan dificil para expresar mis ideas hoy en dia. Sin embargo, las posibilidades para hablantes bilingues no son tantas que yo predecia... en esta ciudad, por lo menos. Pero, no digas a mis padres, por favor! No es necesario que ellos lo saben ahora. :)

Ok. Eso es bastante. No tengo que escribir mas. Entonces, no me hagas. ;)

August 25th, 2004

(no subject)

ddr bunbun
Shock of all shocks, I'm trying to post just a little more. Since I'm so antisocial when it comes to the whole "online chatting" thing, I figure this is a good excuse for me to smear some junk into the world of the internet. How 'bout an update about me?

School's obviously started. I've finally worked myself out a school schedule. I'm in 4 Spanish classes (334, 422, 482, and 489) and in a class called "University Studies: Images of America in Foreign Literature and Culture" which will satisfy either a US Studies ULD class OR a foreign studies ULD course. This makes me happy since 1. it sounds cool, and 2. this leaves my options open for next semester when I take my other ULD course. In taking 5 classes this semester, I'm essentially really lightening my load for the spring-- I'll only have to take 3 classes or so to finally meet the graduation requirements. 'Sabout time, too; ever since I started walking around on the first day, everyone around me seemed so... so.... young. Now, I know I only look 14 or so, but man. I need outta here.

Work is going well enough, and by that I mean crappy. I mean, I personally enjoy the job and the people totally rock, but our sales sucketh. At the same time, though, the dead hours give me a perfect opportunity to work on my studying. In that respect, I'm staying afloat-- but let's remember this is only the first week. I can't let myself slack this time. Everything counts this time around.

I'm still wondering what will happen down the road. I hate not having a clearly planned out Next Step. Instead, all I have is a sketchy outline: Work all summer (the whole while searching for a better paying, more prestigous job), accumulate money, and eventually use it to go to grad school somewhere. Where, though? So far ETSU and MTSU feel like my best choices since they are in-state, thus the tuition would be cheaper, plus I know people in both areas and wouldn't be throwing myself in totally unchartered waters without some sort of a paddle. But, yeah, there's no telling when that would actually take place-- spring of 2006, the following fall... who knows. But, yeah, I'll find out.

The eBay fluke is finally settled, and I just have to pay $80 for being stupid. That's cool. As I told my mom, I can afford $80-- $8000, no. So, yeah. That's good.
Jen and I went bowling yesterday. I still enjoy that game, especially now that I know I can break 100 on a semi-regular basis. Just have to concentrate.
What else? I have to leave for class in a sec. Ah, I should be working out right now, but I'm quite under the weather for a couple of reasons, one being that I have that infamous Summer Cold that seems to be going around. I hate it when you feel like "Man, if only I can get some sleep-- I'll wake up feeling all better!" but no! You wake up feeling a thousand times worse. Ick.

Okay, yeah, time for clase. I'll probably be using this journal more for poetry purposes and ramblings in Spanish, so brace yourselves. Now's the time to delete me if those things hold none of your interest. But, yeah. I'm coo'.

~runs downstairs~

August 22nd, 2004

Sometimes you just want to write something worthwhile. Not necessarily for anyone else, but just for yourself. You feel this inner desire to just throw your thoughts out onto a page or a screen in such a way that leaves you exhausted and somewhat empty-- but in a completely fullfilled way. Everything within the past three days, week, five years has led up to this moment, it seems, and now it is time to pay your dues by spilling out what you've learned, seen, felt. To some obscure degree, this feels like one of those moments.
So what should I type about? It could be something unimportant like the word origin for today-- which happens to be "tide"-- or something that delves more deeply into myself or others. Okay, so I'll pick the second and discuss a topic that is a little awkward and unsettling for some. Playing others. Now, this does not always have to be a bad thing, or necessarily imply usage for one's own personal means. No, this can just be a manner of reading a person in terms of their behavior and whatnot in order to figure out how best to deal with him or her. It's that second one that holds more of my interest-- not all of it, mind you, but not because I wanna perfect toying with others. Toying with those around you, to me, is a sure sign of disrespect and vindictive shallowness in approximately 90% of the time it occurs. But simple behavior adjustment based on people skills is not necessarily evil. In fact, most of the time it is necessary in my eyes. Passively, such reading and consequential adjusting is a way of keeping the peace. For example: Two people, sitting in a room, discussing their individual tastes in movies, games, etc. The tone of the conversation turns heated as one person says something quite adamently that ends up insulting the other. Or, in some other situation, a joke is made at a time when it's inappropriate or unappreciated, thus causing tension to rise. These are both so easily avioded.
I read others. Their eyes, their expressions, their reactions, their gestures, their mannerisms, vocabulary, personal space, etc etc-- the list can go on and on. Five people can be in a socializing group, laughing about some random, obscure matter, and my eyes are automatically drawn to the one person not laughing, or whose eyes are not crinkled up in amusement. Whose smile is nonexistant or seemingly painted on. You know, you hear about people described as having smiles that fail to reach their eyes. That concept is actually always around-- one just has to know how to recognize it. Humorless eyes whose eyebrows seem to shadow some other emotion... in fact, the very slight way that the eyebrows are creeping towards each other may reveal a hidden discomfort, whether it be an unrelenting depressive thought, personal frustration, or mild irritation. Hang around a person long enough and you can pick up on the sound of sheer enjoyment or joy in their voice right away as well as being able to see that tell-tale "sparkle" in their eyes. It's gotten to be with me where the sound of true, heart-felt laughter is utterly refreshing while the sound of slightly forced laugh is like nails on a chalkboard. And not just a condescending laugh-- those are painfully obvious to anyone-- but even those used to fill an uncomfortable silence, those to be friendly, or those to make a person honestly feel better after they've told a bad joke. "No, it's funny. Really!" Yeah.
Then you get quick on your feet so that you're able to pick up on the little nuiances when their moods shift suddenly. Like when you're having a good time, and out of nowhere a separate, horrible thought crosses your mind, but you keep smiling and acting happy to keep from having to talk about it. Sometimes, if you look hard enough, you can see that thought flash by and linger. Not to say it's always obvious-- everyone is different. Nothing I've said thus far is under the premonition that everybody carries themselves the same way and is as readable from one to the next. Not at all. Some people are able to not miss a beat, and you'll never know that they had a rough moment for a minute there. Some people completely stumble and it's impossible to ignore, no matter *how* they try to play it off. All I'm saying is that even that person skillful in hiding their feelings can be read to a degree, if you really focus.

Okay, I'm babbling on and on. What's the point? Well, the point is that you're not powerless. There's something called "manipulation" that has such a negative connotation to it when it isn't always a bad thing. You manipulate others and the way they are thinking in order to turn a self-destructive mindset into a genuine laugh. You manipulate others to help them realize things that are beneficial to themselves, and whatnot. It's all a matter of doing it for outside purposes and not all for your own needs, because when it's done for your own needs... well,... that's when it becomes "toying." Yeah, not cool. But if it's to be able to understand people in general and to achieve some sort of goal (helping others, bettering yourself and how you deal with others, etc.), I don't see how it can be that wrong.
I'm no one special when it comes to this. I'm not infallible (i'm wrong a decent portion of the time-- something that others may just label as "paranoia", which is a very common downfall, I believe), and I know for a fact that there are others who attempt reading people the same way I might. Sadly, it's *that* that drives me crazy more than anything else on this subject, because *those* people are the hardest to read. For me personally, there are a couple of characteristics that are necessary to be able to read someone correctly: 1. patience, and 2. empathy. Empathy especially requires some ability to reflect into yourself what the other person is feeling and/or to be able to project how you feel into them. If you have no ability to recognize where they are coming from, then it's virtually impossible to grasp what they are experiencing. So, in being around someone else who is reading others or manipulating them in some way, I find it difficult to see into *them* for they are not completely being themselves. He or she *is* (at least for that moment in time) the other person whom he or she is reading-- behaving in a similar way to the other person to reach a level playing ground, speaking in a way that the other person can relate to, etc. Or, put quite simply, trying to read someone else who is reading others is like watching a sponge absorb water (or trying to, at least). They're just... there, existing. And so there *I* am, wondering if I'm completely missing something.
I've been around friends and aquaintances as they attempt figuring me out, and I find more often than not that it is much easier for me to just sit back and let them try. Because, in all reality, that *is* me, and delving any more would just land them in a tangled mess of thoughts. Then I can almost see them decide to try again later. But every now and then, certain individuals continue silently probing, appearing quite comfortable and confident in what they've deduced and whatnot...

... that's when Leslie gets on edge and holds tight to her belief that her tangled mess of thoughts is more than enough of a barrier to keep others from fully understanding (and thus getting bored with) her. I like feeling multi-dimensional. That's how I ultimately view everyone-- and because of this, I can never stop learning.

August 16th, 2004

(no subject)

ddr bunbun
Dear goodness. I just looked in the mirror-- I mean, really looked in the mirror, and I noticed that I have honest-to-goodness wrinkles. {sigh} Ugh!
School starts in two days. Stressed much? Obviously. But I'm finally feeling a tinsy bit excited to finally be getting done with my last year. I run into everyone that I graduated from high school with, and they're all telling me about how they've graduated and are going to [insert college here] for grad school to pursue their masters in [insert totally cool, really important-sounding program here]. And of course I'm happy for them-- all of them-- but I can't help feeling that tell-tale twinge of jealousy. I feel like I had so much potential and have, in the end, let myself down. Rarg. I should be farther ahead than I am. I'm just frustrated with myself and am trying to accomplish as much as possible with each day that passes now.
My money's been going largely into my car, and soon I will be investing in a new computer. After that, I'll be pumping money into my accounts in the hopes of attending grad school as soon as possible after I'm done with undergrad. My parents are still surprised that I actually wanna persue my masters, but my position is not changing. I'd prefer staying in-state (tuition would be cheapest that way), but UTK is not an option, as far as I'm concerned. But where, then? What can I actually afford? We'll have to see. There's still some time.

Speaking of former classmates, here's a snippet of a convo I had with an old friend a few weeks ago:

Chris: Yeah, I was just at Robbie's wedding in Nashville the other day.
Me: Wow. I knew he was engaged, but he's actually married now? Huh.
Chris: Yeah, he is. He's probably having sex right now.
Me: .....
Chris: ... ew. Ew.

Heh. Heh heh. And there's something about the phrase "We were just talking about you the other day," that can make a person crazy just trying to figure out why. But ah, well!
I sleep too much. I've come to that conclusion. Yet I'm still extremely tired.
Ah, and I'm a co-editor and columnist for a growing poetry Ezine. That's kinda cool. www.undergroundwindow.com for those that are interested.
Okay, that's enough, I think. Just thought I'd shake off the cobwebs on this thing and say hey. Later, folks.

July 19th, 2004

(no subject)

ddr bunbun
To any who saw my entry I deleted-- nevermind. :(

In short, ebay auction that I thought I won? Yeah, glitch. Grar.

July 16th, 2004

(no subject)

ddr bunbun
An update!!! ~falls over~

Okay, hmmm... yes. Let's see. I've got work in about 50 minutes (I hope to get my car back before then), and then afterwards I shall be driving up to Johnson City to visit Emily and James's place to celebrate Emily's birthday (happy birthday, Em, btw!). I'm still not sure if Jen is coming along or driving herself later or what, but that shall be decided forthwith.
I work all the time, but it's really not a mental or emotional bother. Physically I get a little tired and whatnot, but all in all it's not hard work. I love working with Lee and JW-- it's the first time since working at DTW that I feel I could almost call my co-workers my friends. And the amount that I'm working keeps me afloat financially, able to build my accounts back up steadily and continue making improvements on my car. Once this AC issue is fixed and I get the body work done next week (the result from Aaron's lovely bro leaving a little mark on my car), then I plan on getting the pouring oil-sending unit replaced and the headliner finally installed. I have yet to fix my headlights, but that's just 'cause I'm lazy-- it should only take me a second. Anyway!
The closer this last year of college gets, the more nervous and stressed I am. These classes I'm signed up for (and even the ones I'm not signed up for but need to take) are tough, and I just don't have that much confidence in my Spanish speaking ability. I mean, in a pinch I can do it, even when I'm just joking around. But everytime I'm faced with a native speaker, I freeze. I fear sounding stupid. ~shrugs~ Ever since this morning I've been a little frustrated with my parents. It's occurred to me that I very well *could* have gone to Mexico for the summer school thing, but they didn't acknowledge that. What brought this to my attention is that the other day (about two days ago now), I received in the mail my bill for tuition this coming semester. My scholarship was indeed taken away. For once, my parents are having to dish out a little money for my college education. I was nervous about this, but it turns out that my parents have actually saved up $3800 for my college years. Mild scoffing aside, that'll cover my last year with just a teensy bit left over. Now knowing that this exists in an account somewhere, I also thought of the two-week long vacation down in Florida they just took. ??? Blah. I really feel self-conscious of this being a very selfish line of thinking for me, but after how much they go on about priorities and how much their kids and what's best for those kids means to them... meh. I probably would've put off a trip down to Florida to send my kid to Mexico for a study abroad possibility. That was my last chance to this. {sigh} Don't get me wrong, though. I really am glad that my mom got a chance to get away from all the drama she's been going through due to her job as of late... eh, I guess it just all piled up at once, and maybe I didn't show enough enthusiasm about the prospect of the program.

I *am* looking forward to going back to school for nothing else than to get back into my work-out routine. I was really making progress (I've never in my life worn a size four before!!!), and nowadays I'm just sitting on my butt far too much.

Tomorrow's my first day off since the fourth! I'm so psyched. :) And speaking of the fourth, what fun! Thank you so much, Juan and Valerie (a bit belated, but still heart-felt). And you're more than welcome for bringing the Z. ;)

Okay. It's two o'clock, and I still haven't heard from Mr. Cool yet. They've had my car for over a week now, and they told me when I dropped it off that it'd only take 3 to 5 days. Rest assured I'm not taking my car there anymore. Grrrrrrr... Yes. Peeved.

Fill glass with ice
Add 3/4 shot of dark creme de cacao
Add 3/4 shot of vodka
Two splashes of Kahlua
One splash Buttershots
One splash Godiva White Chocolate Liqour
Mix all these together, and add an equal amount of Yoo-hoo

I threw these together randomly last night, and went to heaven. I need a name for it, though. Hmmmm.....
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