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With the Help of Self-Restraint

Accidental findings by yourself

The Fantasizing Realist




April 28th, 2006

(no subject)

So, I just thought, "I'm gonna update my journal." So I am.

I played Sims 2 for the first time today in who knows how long. It was fun, but my computer needs a little work on it before the game isn't all slow and choppy. All in all, I'm wanting to get back into the habit of being on the computer a little more often, because even though I was slightly depressed when I was addicted to the internet before, there were bonuses about my internet life as well, and I really think that my internet addiction had nothing to do with the emotional state I was in. Nope, that was all me.

So what's going on? Work, mainly. I'm sucked into my new surroundings. I am a self-proclaimed fixer-upper for stores, and it seems as if the company supports that to the fullest. The first store I cleaned up was in K.C. in Knoxville, then back to W.T., then over to G.H. in Nashville, and as of the second week of this month, C.S. in Nashville. Ya know, when I was in K.C. back in the pseudo-beginning, I visited the C.S. mall and thought, "Dude, I'd freakin' LOVE to work in this mall!" Now I'm there, and the store's situation is... well... not favorable. The biggest problem is that the staff is incredibly lacking-- lacking of good, reliable peeps as well as of training. I'm working on nailing everything down, though, the whole while cleaning up and organizing everything around me. The storage space in there is tinier than any other Dakota I've been in, I swear! Man. Claustrophics need not apply!

What else? Oh, I work out like crazy nowadays. Even to the point of having a personal trainer. I mean, with haphazard retail management, one is almost definitely in need of a bit of stress relief, and that's exactly what it is for me. I do the extended cardio workouts, the semi-obsessive nutritional monitoring, the weight training, you name it. And I love it. Self esteem level? Slowly rising, yup.

A couple of weeks ago I inwardly celebrated the one year anniversary of my car wreck. I tell you, rolling 5 or 6 or howevermany times in a classic car is not my idea of a fun-filled afternoon. It still saddens me to think about it, but I'm still grateful that I made it out okay. I can still see very clearly in my mind that lady standing there off to the side in the crowd around me, hands clenched in her hair, tears down her face, eyes easily revealing that she fully expected to be looking at a dead body instead of me, lying there and cracking jokes in a shocked mental state. ~shudder~ She brought it all home for me, I think. Thanks again to all the people that stopped, to Kim (the girl who drove me to Lebanon University Medical Hospital), the police officers, Tad and Aaron, and all you well wishers. Let's all hope that sort of thing doesn't happen again, yes? Be safe, everyone!

I make it to Knoxville as often as I can. Family is still all there, and when there, I actually have a social life. In Nashville I'm a hardcore homebody-- something I'm trying to break from this upcoming May. See, my apartment complex has a monthly newsletter sort of thing, and in it they put a community calendar thingy which lists concerts, fairs, sports events, and whatnot. Things I've listed on my personal calendar as things I might try to check out are the Mainstreet Jazzfest, Cirque du Soleil, a James Taylor concert, the Renaissance Festival, Brooklyn Tabernacle, and the (heh) flea market (i always hear about the darned things-- why not?!). Let's see what all I go to!

That's all for now. I shall chat whicha laterz!

James Taylor's sold out. Huh. Go figure. Der.

March 14th, 2006

"If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or moritified) about what people remember about you."

Post anonymously if you'd like. Whatever. Ciao.

September 11th, 2005

Public entries don't typically happen. But here one is!

A note to all-- you never see these. If you do, it's 'cause I'm in a weird mood and why not? I suppose this is one of those weird moods.

I'm currently visiting my sister and her family in Fort Knox. Fun times with Eddie, ear piercing, and Jager. Whoo. I'm chillin'.

I have a cat. Crazy, eh? Well, she is, and I named her Katrina-- cute and tragic all in one. She used to be sick and pitiful, but now she's quite healthy and psychotic, running from room to room, obsessed with "mice" that you'd think were cat-nip mice but aren't. So, she's just like that.

Nashville's been a bang. Can't decide whether it's for me or not yet. I'm hoping I'm experiencing homesickness, especially seeing as to how all I've ever known has been K-town, but so far I do feel quite... something. Work is same as usual, and I've been advancing as I probably would have in K-town (aka area supervisory position and whatnot), but I miss the stability I knew. Will I go back to school? The more time passes, the more I think I shall. Finish the music major while adding in a few business courses. Go back over my numbers, math and such. It's been awhile. So far I've done nothing except watch Univision and Mtv español, perfecting that stuff. Law school? It's just down the road (physically). A possibility. We'll see.

My apartment doesn't feel like home. It still feels like a place in which I keep my stuff. If nothing else, I'd love to move to the Greenhills area where crime is lower and I'm closer to work. ~shrugs~

I've actually ventured onto AIM a couple of times recently. Good luck catching me on there more than 3 times in one week, but who knows? I may integrate myself into society more in the near future. So far I'm still pretty I-don't-feel-comfortable-unless-I'm-to-myself, but that may change. Aye, so much crap's been going on! Wanna chat?

What a crazy entry...

July 21st, 2005

Every now and then you just wanna know. Enough to look, you crave that knowledge that just isn't yours. Is not yours to have-- you have no right, no claim to anything you seek, but still. You just feel that need to know something that you just plain are not going to know. Sometimes it just feels so important.

But now, I throw it out there to remind myself that I'm not made of stone, and perhaps some things never change. I leave it obscurely in the hopes that I forget what the crap I'm talking about later.
'Cause while it feels important right now, it's not. Monday proceeds into Tuesday every single week, and there's nothing I can conceivably do to ever alter that. That's just how it is.

Enough of that!
How is everyone? I've developed a bit of an affinity for private entry-making in recent times. No real reason that I can say, I'm just more and more of a solitary person as time goes by. Not that I keep things I think/feel from everyone, I'm just more picky and choosey as to who I divulge myself to-- especially when it comes to depressing things and big news. It's not exactly an anti-people perspective, it's more of a I-wanna-be-sure-you-truly-care-about-what-I'm-saying perspective. Kinda destructive to the possibilities of getting new friends, though-- I'm still trying to work out the knots in this one. :)

Jeff is a really cool regional. He's been in town the past couple of days, and I've really enjoyed getting the opportunity to work with/for him. He helped me carry inventory equipment to the car yesterday as I left work, and we did this whole "it was so nice to be able to work with you-- it's a shame it couldn't have been for longer" bit, and I really meant it. I didn't get to interact toooo much with Sharon when she was our regional, but with Jeff we've gotten into a good joking relationship, which has made me feel more comfortable calling him up when I needed advice or there was a problem. I'm hoping I get the same comfortable feeling with Megan-- so far she seems nice, so we'll just cross our fingers and see.

Today I need to get my car fixed (I can't have a car without it having starter problems) and start packing. I have boxes galore on hand, all waiting to be filled. Perhaps I should start now.
Oh! And speaking of being anti-social, after I move I'm probably gonna try chatting online a little more, especially seeing as to how I don't know many peeps at all out there outside of Knoxville. So if you see me online (blindingS on AIM) feel free to IM me. And if you want me to add you too my buddy list, drop me a line here, and I'll be more than happy to. :)


June 4th, 2005

Good day, all.

Brief shout out to all my peeps in the 'hood.

Work is going decently-- the only one who I know for sure doesn't like my changes in policies got his egocentrism served to him on a dirty platter today by yours truly. Yeah, buddy, you know who your boss is now, don'tcha??? That's right. Other than that, the store is steadily coming along, and I have high hopes for it. First store meeting tomorrow morning to solidify in their minds that, yes, I'm their daddy. Only figuratively speaking, though. I sincerely hope they know that.
In other job news, apparently the home office person Amy likes me just sooo much that she offered me a store in Nashville (my third day back at West Town) effective August 1st. I'm finally moving out of Knoxville to a city that I've grown a little fond of. Let's cross our fingers and hope this works out all right. Needless to say, I'm a bit excited. Nervous, yes, but excited all the same. So, I'm gonna need to build up a nice little friend nucleus in the area-- anyone wanna chill sometime??

Up to this point, since classes ended I've been vegetating and not really doing anything to advance within myself like I've been wanting to. I created a list of things to do that exists as a private entry in this thing, and I've found upon retrospect that I've only done one of those things. Seems that now it is time to disengage myself from the horribly addictive Sims and commence with the furthering of Me.

I wish I'd pick a speed and get used to it.

December 25th, 2004

(no subject)

Merry Christmas to all of my friends. I wish I could call everyone of you up and say it in person, but as is, this'll have to do. May you all be safe and happy today and through the rest of the year.

(This is different from my usual holiday e-cards, but the feeling is still the same.)


November 27th, 2004

"I'll be by in about an hour-- maybe and hour and a half-- to pick that up, is that okay?"
"Not a problem at all. I probably won't be here by that time, but--"
"Oh, no-- no, no! I want you be there when I get it so I can get your number and maybe take you out to dinner!"
"~uncomfortable giggle~ Uh, heh, nah, that's okay! That's not necessary."
"You have a boyfriend?"
"Heh, yeah, I do."
"Oh, okay. Well, I'll be by there later to pick it up, then. Hey, thanks, Leslie!"
"Sure thing. Bye." ~hangs up phone, falls over~

This is what happens when Leslie calls over-the-hill African-American truckers for the second time to remind them that they've had a watch on hold for over a month. In the end, in case you were wondering, he went and finally got the watch.

November 24th, 2004

This is Not Your Playground

You're locked away where I cannot see you
You've left behind a life unknown
I'm wondering, lost, a motioning puppet
A plane colliding with the earth below
My words are silent to a world outside me
Visible only if you know where to look
A moment, a second, outside of the bedroom
Restracing your steps for what you forsook


I had a migraine last night. Those are never fun.
As soon as I'm done with school, I'm working on my poetry porfolio. I miss writing. I just haven't had a very good outlet since then. Hopefully it's that I'm just out of practice and not that I just suck now. I don't know. ~shrugs and heads off to class~

November 15th, 2004

(no subject)

My thoughts at this moment:


*Papers? Two? No, three. Wait... four. Three A's, a B, and maybe a C, though that'd suck. But hey, I'm just trying to pass this time around. So, wait, three? No, no-- four. ~passes out~

*Water. Too much water. I drink and drink and drink then have to pee every 15 minutes. But water's good for you, right?

*Thought #3456172: My thoughts are weird.

*There's not enough days in the week for all of this. School and work are who I am. Yeah, social life shouldn't stress me out like it does, it should help mellow the whole mess. But no!

*Yeah, four papers, and I don't even know what I'm gonna write about for two of them-- the two due this week. Crap!

*I wish I weren't so shy. It sucks. Customers are one thing, friends are another. Crap, crap, crap.

*I need a friend who speaks only Spanish. That would help a lot. There was that one stalker guy, but I'm kinda glad that didn't work out. The whole "stalking" thing kinda turned me off.

*Either someone's taken the alcohol out of Parrot Bay, or I've become hardcore. Either way, I don't like it.

*I need another journal to post in. I just don't enjoy this one anymore.

*I know that in about 10 minutes I will need to pee again. That is all.

November 10th, 2004

Meh. First time reading journals and email in a few days. At this moment I feel kinda sick, pretty depressed... all in all, I guess I don't know how to feel. Not well, I can tell you that.

One thing I know about myself for sure is that I hold onto things too much. It's kinda bizarre-- and very frustrating, I'm sure-- because my actions will have nothing to do with how I feel sometimes. The reason for this can be because I don't know what to do with my feelings, how to act on them, etc. If I feel they'll upset "the balance" too much, I'll suppress them, shove them deep down, and proceed to act like they're not there. This could be in the form of acting cold, unforgiving, happy, indifferent, whatever mood contrasts what I'm feeling. Or it could be in the form of just not being there 'cause I can't decide how to cover things. For some people distancing themselves from a problem may help-- to gain clarification or whatnot-- but for me (as for many others in the world) the distance makes the problem stagnate, so it festers and burns over time. Yeah, I just don't let go. And it's crazy, no matter how much of a pessimist and generally cynical being I may be, the thing I have the most issues with letting go of is hope. An ideal vision that most of me says is impossible and won't happen so get over it but that the rest of me clings to desperately. The most frustrating thing is that I get this irrational hope that others operate the same way, and that's just not how it is. For others choice can be simple-- though not always clear-cut-- and once a choice is made, life is categorized and trimmed down into a pretty picture that for once makes sense. Meh, why can't I just do that? Why can't I look at a decision that I've made and just go with it without looking behind myself, constantly questioning "what if?" and "am I making a mistake?" 'Cause that question doesn't go away. It hangs around me. So I sit in one spot, stationary, as the world changes around me (situations, people, etc.), and I eat myself up and make myself sick with this catch-22 that I place myself in.

As always, I'm not the answer. There's always someone a little better to fit one's needs, be it friend, love, employee, whatever. That's how I see things, and so that's why I step aside-- long before anyone can start coming to a similar conclusion. I make it for them. Yeah, that's not fair. But I've made it a pattern to expect it, as if I'm trying to go ahead and deal with the pain of rejection before it actually happens. Thus I'm not allowing the good stuff to live at all.

You know what I've been doing? I've been trying to change it. All of it. Separate my irrational feelings from my rational actions. Only problem I have with that is that I still can't fully see what that's doing for me in the long run. All I know is what exists now, and that's feelings. Lots of them. Some without names, some with. And it's with these feelings that I punish myself.

Now that I've talked circles around myself, and the nauseous feeling has solidified into it's unforgiving state, I'll end this post. Though, with how I am, the thoughts won't end with me ending this post; they will hang with me all day. Ugh. Why do I have to go off and depress myself?
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