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With the Help of Self-Restraint

Someone's having trouble with a space bar, and for once it's not me

The Fantasizing Realist

ddr bunbun

Someone's having trouble with a space bar, and for once it's not me

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ddr bunbun
Meh. First time reading journals and email in a few days. At this moment I feel kinda sick, pretty depressed... all in all, I guess I don't know how to feel. Not well, I can tell you that.

One thing I know about myself for sure is that I hold onto things too much. It's kinda bizarre-- and very frustrating, I'm sure-- because my actions will have nothing to do with how I feel sometimes. The reason for this can be because I don't know what to do with my feelings, how to act on them, etc. If I feel they'll upset "the balance" too much, I'll suppress them, shove them deep down, and proceed to act like they're not there. This could be in the form of acting cold, unforgiving, happy, indifferent, whatever mood contrasts what I'm feeling. Or it could be in the form of just not being there 'cause I can't decide how to cover things. For some people distancing themselves from a problem may help-- to gain clarification or whatnot-- but for me (as for many others in the world) the distance makes the problem stagnate, so it festers and burns over time. Yeah, I just don't let go. And it's crazy, no matter how much of a pessimist and generally cynical being I may be, the thing I have the most issues with letting go of is hope. An ideal vision that most of me says is impossible and won't happen so get over it but that the rest of me clings to desperately. The most frustrating thing is that I get this irrational hope that others operate the same way, and that's just not how it is. For others choice can be simple-- though not always clear-cut-- and once a choice is made, life is categorized and trimmed down into a pretty picture that for once makes sense. Meh, why can't I just do that? Why can't I look at a decision that I've made and just go with it without looking behind myself, constantly questioning "what if?" and "am I making a mistake?" 'Cause that question doesn't go away. It hangs around me. So I sit in one spot, stationary, as the world changes around me (situations, people, etc.), and I eat myself up and make myself sick with this catch-22 that I place myself in.

As always, I'm not the answer. There's always someone a little better to fit one's needs, be it friend, love, employee, whatever. That's how I see things, and so that's why I step aside-- long before anyone can start coming to a similar conclusion. I make it for them. Yeah, that's not fair. But I've made it a pattern to expect it, as if I'm trying to go ahead and deal with the pain of rejection before it actually happens. Thus I'm not allowing the good stuff to live at all.

You know what I've been doing? I've been trying to change it. All of it. Separate my irrational feelings from my rational actions. Only problem I have with that is that I still can't fully see what that's doing for me in the long run. All I know is what exists now, and that's feelings. Lots of them. Some without names, some with. And it's with these feelings that I punish myself.

Now that I've talked circles around myself, and the nauseous feeling has solidified into it's unforgiving state, I'll end this post. Though, with how I am, the thoughts won't end with me ending this post; they will hang with me all day. Ugh. Why do I have to go off and depress myself?
  • You just wrote six hundred words, and I have no idea what you said. I don't mean that as an insult. I think it's remarkable. But maybe you're getting a little too absorbed in abstractions?
    • It's not that uncommon to have a fear of commitment due to fear of rejection, which seems to be the jist of it.

      It's good that you want to work through it, and if you really think it's a big problem, UT offers good (and free) support services as well. It's not an instant cure, but it could help.
  • Me too

    I understand what you mean. Been there done that, and sometimes still go there and do that.

    It will be okay. Unfortunately, not all of us are blessed with the ability to just let things go without there having been closure. So many times in my life I get no closure, but I learned to eventually let go of the fact I can't let go (does this Sara logic make sense?).
  • Leslie:

    I don't know what to say except that I'm here for you, no matter what, and no matter how much time has passed. I wish I could do something, but I can't because I don't know what to do. I wish you would call me, or let me help in some way.

    Please don't be a stranger. Having people who care can help, no matter how hopeless things may seem.

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